Sometimes the ‘right’ time looks like sobbing in bed

I taught yoga for a while. I could say the same cue many times over, class after class, and someone who had been in my class weekly for months or even years would inevitably say something like…”when you told me to spin my right inner thigh back today in revolved triangle, I couldn’t believe the difference it made!” I know fellow teachers can relate. It wasn’t that I didn’t cue them on that exact thing and even in that exact way multiple times before. It’s just today, in this moment, they were ready and present to receive it.

The other day I had the same experience, but on the receiving end. I had heard similar teachings many times over about parenting…but when I was sobbing in bed at night feeling like a complete failure as a parent and SO angry at how my kids didn't listen to me that night, all the puzzle pieces slipped into place and new insights...words before, now made perfect, clear landscapes in my mind and I sobbed more.

I'm a big fan of the work of Dr. Shefali. In that moment, I was flooded with the realization of how I wanted to be seen...I wanted to be heard...I wanted to be VALIDATED in the guise of 'respect' and 'rule following.' It's as if paragraphs from her books suddenly read directly from my life experience. Of course being respectful and following rules are perfectly important and within parenting parameters...but I was upset because of my own wounds that run much deeper. I was sobbing from the heart of the little girl who didn't feel truly seen. I was sobbing from the space of feeling that my voice didn't matter or wasn't in some way 'enough.' Those are very summed up and to the point. And this isn't the space to get into where those wounds came from. It's definitely not about blame. I had very young parents and there was love for sure. And there are still wounds. There are wounds I unintentionally played out on my children, putting it on them to make me feel better...to make me feel seen and heard and my voice valued. Even more embarrassing, I wanted them to feel bad about how they made me feel. I wanted them to feel bad for making me feel upset...under the guise of 'empathy.' WOW! Luckily I just sobbed and it all unraveled and I set the intention to tend to those wounds and to be a better mom tomorrow. And I cried. And I felt selfish and shitty. And, I said "it's OK..thank you for showing me...thank you mama for guiding me...and I slept.

It's like this. Self development is a path of stumbling along in ignorance until you aren't. Waking up, falling apart, re-aligning and moving toward integrity..toward freedom. It's a path of many lifetimes (in my opinion) and one that takes courage and humility and authenticity. It's a path that WE are here to explore together because it's even better together :) Like, it's freeing just to tell you this personal story..even though it's totally embarrassing to admit.